Violence against women  Nguyen Thi Ngoc-Dung
Vietnamese(VPS) Vietnamese(VSCII)	Summarized and translated by Le Minh Thinh

First of all, I would like to thank you all for attending this workshop on Women in the 90’s, especially those of you who have come from other provinces to share your precious time with us. Since the beginning of the workshop, we have learned a diversity of precious ideas about the roles of Vietnamese women in society, recognizing their contribution in a variety of fields : community activities in Canada, balancing activities between family and career, health care, business, and so on.  We have also had the  chance to learn the values and the undeniable ability of women, which have long been celebrated in literature, film, and other cultural artifacts. The topic to be presented here, however, deals with women from a different viewpoint. It is about the negative side of life that not many people are willing to talk about. I’m talking about violence against women.  There are many aspects to society.  We usually judge a person by his or her appearance. This superficial manner of judgment can only be accurate if the person who is judging, shares the same train of thought, the same life style, or at least is able to confide, with the person being judged.  People generally like to show their better side, and enjoy hearing nice compliments about them. Unfortunately, not all women are as happy as they show. We don’t mean ALL women but some women suffer and do not want to confide their feelings to friends and family members.

In the last 5 years, we have had the opportunity, through working with people involved, to contact a number of women and to listen to their confidence. We were informed that some women suffer financially, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Therefore, the goal of this seminar is to share our knowledge with you on the topic of violence against women, narrowing on : "the abuse, mistreatment, and the feelings of women in the family environment".  To have a more precise point of view on women’s feelings, we need to address the following issues:

• What is wife abuse?
• The myths of wife abuse, and society’s perspective of wife abuse
• Frequency of  abuse
• Why does abused women continue living with their husband without considering leaving the spouse?

• Physical abuse
• Emotional abuse
• Financial abuse
• Verbal abuse
• Sexual abuse

As you know, society has encouraged and supported men in their patriarchal role of the household. Men have most of the power at home, traditionally deciding on all financial and familial concerns. Unfortunately, some of these decisions lead to wife abuse; and people, in general, have an ignorant way of looking at wife abuse. This mentality is nurtured by myths about wife abuse that conspire towards men, and as a result, women are subjects more often of the abuse and the mistreatment.

1. Wife abuse is a new concept that has just come to existence:  This statement is false. Wife abuse has long been in existence and has even been written into laws.  For example, the term ‘Rule of thumb’ originated from a law practiced in England in 1767. According to this law, a husband was allowed to punish his wife by using a stick having a width not larger than the size of the thumb. In Canada, it was not until 1968 when a federal law on divorce was passed and stipulated that physical and emotional abuses could be considered as evidence for divorce. About 30 years ago, when a patriarchal system was very popular in Canada, women were regarded of much less value than men.

In Vietnam, the Confucian system itself put males in a chief position of the family and his wife was secondary. Men wielded all the power, and women were taught and encouraged to obey the orders of the husband (whether the order made sense or not). Therefore, wife abuse has not been not new and had been accepted by the society.
2. Domestic abuse happens only to low-income families or uneducated people:  Statistics have shown that wife abuse is widespread and not contained to a certain class or group of people.  It happens in many walks of life, rich or poor, well-educated or uneducated people in a variety of  forms.
3. Wife abuse is not popular:  As a matter of fact, according to a recent survey, 1 in every 5 men (who are living with women) has committed  physical abuse to their partner.
4. Women are the cause of the problems, and they are responsible for what they’ve done.  No one is born to be beaten. It is a strategy that men use to defend themselves. If a woman were beaten due to making a mistake, should not a man also be beaten if he commits the same mistake?
5. Those who attack their wives probably have mental problems:  This is another defensive strategy for the abusive husbands. Wife abuse has become a habit of the husband who has little respect for his wife. If he has a mental problem, why does not he behave abnormally to his boss or his colleagues?  Why is he more sociable to strangers while he can easily get angry at his wife (and children)?
6. Those who attack their wives have probably been drunk:   Alcohol only makes the man more brutal, and it is not the reason why a man abuses his wife.  Men use alcohol as an aid and an excuse to abuse their wives.
7. Pregnant women do not get abused:  False.  Pregnant women is mostly a subject to the abuse.  This is because a man who wants to control his wife usually finds the weak points of the woman, and forces her to do what he wants.
8. Men are subjected to abuse, too!   No. In fact, 93% of wife abuse cases have resulted in a plea of guilty on the husband’s part. ‘Husband abuse’ is just a tactic for a counter-sue by the abusive husbands.
9. Women who are sponsored (to Canada) by their husbands are easy targets for control and threat.  Myths and misconceptions by society often reflect a truth: from the past to present, people from East to West have admitted and supported the role of man in the family and the contention of wife abuse as an unimportant issue.  Therefore, the under-estimation of wife abuse itself starts from sexism. This discrimination gives rise to inequality among members of the society, starting from the family.

There are many reasons that make women resist leaving the abusive husbands. The social perspective on the roles of the woman, the attitude of the surrounding people, and especially the complicated feelings of the abused woman can all play a role in the decision. These factors have affected and tied down the abused women.

1. Social perspective on the roles of the woman: Once a woman gets married, she is supposed to take good care of the welfare of the husband’s family, and to bring happiness to the family as a whole. The bad habits and mistreatments of the husband are attributed to the behavior of the wife. For instance, if the husband has an affair, people are more prone to think that it is because the wife does not give him enough sexual pleasure. Moreover, the woman herself thinks that this is a personal matter, and does not want to share this information with close friends or family members. Anxiety over the mental welfare of the children also plays an important role in the wife’s decision not to leave her abusive situation. The thought that a happy child is a child that has both parents is prevalent in the mind of a loving mother who is willing to sacrifice her physical well-being for the sake of her child.
2. Attitude of the surrounding people towards woman life: The surrounding people usually react negatively towards the abused woman. Some are skeptical, some are apathetic, and some even put the  blame on the poor woman! Thus, an abused woman can feel lonely, left out, and trapped.
3. Complex mentality of woman:
• Miserable feelings, memories of an idealized romantic past, apologies for what she has done and thoughts about what she should have done; all of these can hide abusive evidence of the husband.
• Personal honor, there remains some hope that the husband will change.

As mentioned above, since the woman is so much in love with her husband, she is trapped in the abusive environment in which her ‘beloved’ husband is the primary player. She constantly lives in a chaotic situation.

Once the trouble has gone, the family seems to return to a harmony as if nothing happened. The couple seems to love each other more tenderly than before. Who knows when one day, things happen again and the husband repeats his abusive habits. But this time, it’s more brutal and tense. The abuse and mistreatment repeat. This is sometime referred to as the cycle of abuse. It’s not easy to escape from this cycle. Even if the woman manages to escape, she is definitely not happier than before. Instead, she feels lonely and vulnerable. It will take a long time for her to get over it and come back to a ‘normal’ life.

1. The act of abuse in the family has significantly affected the health and everyday life of the woman, from physical pain such as headaches, backaches, loss of appetite, insomnia; emotional pain such as low-esteem, lack of confidence; and psychological pain such as worry, threat, and panic.
2. Also, children in such a situation will develop either a negative attitude or aggressive violent behavior.

As you know: ‘All human beings are born equal’. It can be said that wife abuse is part of modern family life. Twenty years ago, physical wife abuse was a phenomenon which was well hidden. In the current decade, along with the women's movement, women's associations have been developing world-wide with government support. Shelters, books, magazines, radio and TV programs are spreading the news about wife abuse. Workshops on women’s issues are becoming popular. Different women-related issues are raised, questioned, or challenged, bringing forth a discussion for an equality in rights between women and men.

Nevertheless, I admit that this is a complicated issue. It may start from the loss of trust on the spouse or disagreement between the spouses, but one day, the problem will explode. What follows are the nightmares which can eventually lead to the break-up of the family.  It’s a sad fact, but it’s a fact that people are reluctant to talk about, to listen to, to see movies  about or to read articles on this matter.

Ironically, compared to the life a woman has outside the house, the woman in the house is far less protected. Why? Because violence within a family is often hidden. This violence is referred to as spousal abuse, marital violence, couple battering, domestic violence, etc. These terms themselves place a cover on the matter, redirecting public attention. They presume that in the troublesome life of a couple, everyone is responsible for his/her action. How often and severe the violence depends on both spouses.  In fact, this is not the case, the problem begins with the question of authority, and who controls that authority? Who wants to have power over other? Is true that the woman started the fight or she only defended herself?  Most of the violence within the family happens not only to the wife, but the children are also victims. Therefore, any means to reduce wife abuse incidents are, in many cases, also good for reducing child abuses.

I have presented the topic on violence against women. Due to time constraint, I could not address all issues, only a few typical examples were offered. The women suffer a great deal before and after the divorce. Many husbands continue to think that they still have a relationship with their wives (even after the divorce), to harasse and to threaten them.

Within  a 5 years-frame, my organization has served more than 1,500 women from many countries around the world, from Asia to Middle East, from Latin America to Europe, and Africa. We have helped women from China, Laos, Thailand, Philippine, Indian, Kampuchea, Sri Lanka, Ukraine, Soviet Union, Iran, Iraq, Ethiopia, Somalia, Romania, Hungary, Brazil, etc. Among those women, Vietnamese women accounted for approximately 300 out of 1,500. No matter where they live, victims of domestic violence still have the same miserable feelings.

Violence against women is truly a global problem. Thanks to the various women's workshops that exist, women have the chance to speak up. This workshop should be given credit because it proves the following concepts: Vietnamese women gradually realize their rights and privileges, they realize their needed freedom, the freedom to decide their own life, a life without abuse and mistreatment. Having equipped with this kind of mentality, women are able to practically own their life without being dependent on their spouse. As a result, violence against women can be stopped.

I only contribute some ideas so that I, together with you, can find suitable solutions to many family matters. During a number of years in the past, many services have been set up to offer equality and fairness to women. But, that’s not enough, men also need proper education to control their anger and to change the way they treat their wife.

Thank you for your attention, and I wish you a successful workshop.